Tagged: recipes

Thanksgiving FAIL

This year was my first all vegan Thanksgiving. I was so excited to find new recipes and to try all the dishes that everyone else was bringing.

I’ve found so many awesome vegan blogs over the past few months that my recipes bookmark folder is practically overflowing. Yet somehow I hadn’t even glanced at Pinterest. I’ve avoided that site because I don’t need one more site to get sucked into but it won me over with it’s fantastic groupings of fall vegan food. The pictures were all so well lit and fabulous that I wanted to eat my computer.

After drooling over butternut squash and sausage stuffed phyllo cups and pumpkin bread pudding with maple caramel sauce (oh sweet mother of god, WANT!), I decided on chocolate chip cookie cheesecake bars and good ol’ fashioned mac and cheese.

That sounds great, right?

Well, it wasn’t.

Perhaps I read the recipes wrong. Perhaps my taste buds aren’t vegan enough. Perhaps the cookie bars were supposed to look like someone had spermed inside of them. Yes, spermed. It’s a word now.

The cookie bar recipe I found here. I don’t blame that blog. They obviously worked for her. They did not work for me. They were supposed to look like this:

They did not look like that. Though it looked delicious when it came out of the oven. Once we cut into at the Thanksgiving feast though….yeeesh. The cream cheese/cheesecake filling had turned into a clearish liquid that looked like jizz. Straight up. That’s the truth. It looked like someone had cookie fucked my dessert. The boyfriend pointed out that this was an issue with the cream cheese chocolate cupcakes that I so adore. They do look jizzed in but they’re delicious. I could have forgiven the cookie bars for being sluts if they had been delicious sluts. But they were not. I was embarrassed that people ate it. It was a sugary mass of FAIL.

Moving on to the “blue box” style mac and cheese. I found the recipe for this here. Her pictures were gorgeous. I could almost taste the creamy goodness (ew, too soon after all the jizz talk, yes?).

I haven’t made mac and cheese without the help of Daiya yet. Knowing my Thanksgiving hosts were trying to stay away from fake cheese, I wanted to go the extra mile and make my own sauce from scratch. Well, tits. It did not work.

I was wary of a recipe calling for tahini, white beans, mustard and agave but since I know nothing about making fake cheese sauce, I went with it. If the intent was to make a sauce that smelled like peanut butter and tasted like foot stink, then I win the prize. There was nothing even remotely cheese like in the flavor and it looked nothing like the photos. It was sweet, an upsetting texture and even the boyfriend, who loves almost everything, made a horrible face after tasting it.

I’m not sure where I went wrong. Next time I’ll try a cashew cream recipe and see if I get better results. If anyone has a bomb mac and cheese recipe that doesn’t involve Daiya, I would love to have it.

I ended up making my old stand-by mac and cheese with a roux and some of the new Daiya wedges. The host said she liked it but to me it tasted off and plastic like.

All in all : FAIL. 

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Chocolate Sour Cream Banana Bread

The other day at a wedding a friend of mine looked at me awkwardly for a minute before blurting, “So what are you baking lately?”. I thought that it was hilarious because I’ve come a long way from the hard dating, hard partying head case I used to be. So much so that my friends apparently have no idea what to say to me sometimes. I am the girl that bakes somewhat edible, sometimes terrifying things.

After a few 100 degree days here in Portland, I decided it was time to get back on the baking wagon. Sure it was still 90 degrees in my kitchen but I had a bowl full of rotting bananas that were either headed to their grave or to a loaf of banana bread.

I’m not sure if I buy bananas in the hopes that I will not eat them so I can make bread, or if I just suck at eating them. The banana above had been in the freezer. It’s not covered in creepy blue mold.

Did everyone else grow up with black bananas in their freezer? My mom always had some in there. Probably because her children wouldn’t eat them unless she chopped them up, threw some brown sugar on top and then stared down at us while we miserably chewed and gagged down every last piece. Bananas and I have a tortured past.

Now that I’m an adult (with the taste buds of a child) I have my own black bananas and in an ode to my mother, I often make banana bread. I make it multiple ways, switching up ingredients a fair amount. It’s an easy recipe that gives you room to play.

Yesterday I found this one and I had to try it. I had the dead bananas and all the other ingredients already in my kitchen. I’m such a grown up! I own baking powder, people. I am a motherfucking adult.

I found this recipe on Savory Sweet Life. It’s not a vegan website, I just have a habit of taking normal recipes and substituting things. I do this because a lot of the time the vegan versions call for all sorts of things that I don’t own and have no desire to search out. I don’t have soy flour or wheat flour or spelt. I’m not in this for the health, I’m in it for the cows, man.

Ingredients
  • 1 stick of Earth Balance, softened to room temp.
  • 1/2 cup sugar
  • Egg replacer equal to one egg
  • 2 large ripened bananas mashed ( or 2.5 small bananas)
  • 1 tsp. vanilla
  • 1 cup flour
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 2 Tbl. cocoa powder
  • 1/2 cup of Tofutti sour cream
  • 1 cup of mini chocolate chips (regular chocolate chips work too, make them vegan, duh)
  • optional 1/2 cup of chopped walnuts
Instructions
  1. Preheat over to 350 degrees.
  2. Lightly grease a 9×5 loaf pan, or 2 mini pans with non-stick spray.
  3. In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar together. Stir in egg replacer, mashed bananas, sour cream, and vanilla until well blended.
  4. Add baking soda, cocoa, and flour.
  5. Mix everything until well incorporated (about 3 minutes in a Kitchenaid mixer).
  6. Add chocolate chips and nuts (if applicable).
  7. Pour batter into loaf pan(s) and bake for 50 minutes – 1 hr.
  8. Insert a tooth pick into the center of the loaf and check to see if it comes out clean when you pull it out.
  9. Remove from heat and allow bread to rest in the loaf pan for 10 minutes.
  10. Invert the loaf pans onto a cooling rack. Enjoy warm or cold.
 My mom recently gifted me with a Kitchenaid. Squeeeee!
I adore it. It makes kneading bread so farkin’ easy. A bread hook?? Who knew. If only she would have gotten me the swarovski crystal one.
I kid, I kid…..a little.
My bread came out like brownies since I took them out a bit too early. The toothpick came out clean though! So I took it out, went on a walk with the dog and came back only to find that when I cut into it, it was a bit gooey. But delicious! Super rich and magical. Especially when spread with butter. Yeah that’s right. That’s how I roll.
Go take your sad bananas and make them into happy, unhealthy treats!

Our Love Song To Hannah Hart

A few weeks ago we filmed a drunk vegan mac and cheese video. Obviously, that video was inspired by My Drunk Kitchen’s Hannah Hart. If you haven’t watched all her videos then I really don’t know what you’re doing with your life.

Seriously.

In thanks to her for inspiring us to get shitfaced and cook some subpar vegan food, we wrote her a love song.

Here it is.

Whiskey Wednesday cooking: Mac and “Cheese”

Every Wednesday night we have been going to whiskey club at Holman’s. Okay, sometimes I skip a week because I’m still recovering from last week. Whiskey club is rough on a bitch. The club is this: You drink 27 different kinds of whiskey and you get a t shirt and a plaque at the bar. I’m only at 11. The boyfriend already finished. Champion.

Obviously, we get hammered. Upon arriving home I tear through the kitchen in search of carbs to shove in my drunken maw. If I have the energy and enthusiasm though, I make mac and “cheese”. It’s the easiest mac and cheese recipe ever. It involves no planning and no fuckin’ cashew cream.

We decided we should film a how-to video. While really drunk.

My love of My Drunk Kitchen is no secret. No one can drunk cook like Hannah, so I’m not trying to rip her off. I just really love cooking. And I’m really good at drinking. And being a jack ass. It only seemed natural to combine the three. Besides, I wrote Hannah a bitchin’ song in tribute that I’ll post here later.

 

 

Here’s the actual recipe since, shockingly, my instructional video isn’t actually very instructional. I got this from To Live And Eat In LA

Ingredients-
16oz package of elbow macaroni or pasta of choice 
3 cups shredded Daiya Cheddar Cheese
3 tablespoons vegan butter
3 tablespoons flour
2 to 2 1/2 cups* unsweetened rice or soy milk (see recipe below for notes)
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
Salt to taste
Enough panko bread crumbs to liberally cover 

Directions-
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Cook pasta about 5 minutes until it’s just tender. Don’t cook all the way or it will fall apart when you bake it.
3. Drain pasta and transfer to greased baking dish. I packed it all into a smaller 8×10 dish so it would set up nice and thick.
4. Mix in about 2/3′s of the cheese into the pasta and set aside.
5. In a small pot melt the butter. Add the salt & pepper, then whisk in the flour until combined. Stir in the milk. Keep stirring until it starts to boil, then keep stirring for about another minute until it thickens up. *(Start with 2 cups of milk but if sauce gets too thick just add a little bit more, you don’t want it to be like a paste, just a thickened liquid).
6. Pour the milk mixture into the pasta and mix everything well. Top with the remaining cheese. Then cover everything with a generous layer of breadcrumbs.
7. Pop in the oven for 30 minutes or until the cheese is bubbling and top is starting to brown. 

 

It really is cheesy, delicious and amazing. Even non-vegans like it! Now go get drunk and try it!

Review: Martha Stewart’s Sanity

I was at work the other day flipping through Martha Stewart’s Living magazine between clients when I found this bonkers recipe: Potato chip cookies. 

Okay so this might not have been Martha’s brainchild but you know she signed off on it because she didn’t get uber rich by sitting back and letting other people run her magazines. I bet she has a big stamp that says REJECTED on one side and APPROVED on the other. Then her minions bring her recipes and she scans them for ten seconds before forcefully stamping their fate on them. At least that’s what I’d like to imagine.

(Am I the only one that didn’t know Martha was freakin’ hot back in the day? Damn, girl!)

After trying to find the exact recipe on the web I have come to realize that this is something batty housewives have been doing for years. Who knew? Not me. My mother never put anything savory into a cookie. She liked her sweets sweet. Am I the only child who grew up without these things? The boyfriend had never heard of them either and he may have cringed when I announced I was making them last night.

I’m posting the recipe, veganized of course, in case you have the desire to spend an hour in your kitchen smashing the shit out of potato chips.

Potato Chip Cookies

Ingredients

  • 1 cup Earth Balance, softened
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 3/4 cup packed brown sugar
  • Egg replacer equal to 2 eggs
  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 2 cups crushed potato chips
  • 1 Cup of chopped pecans

Directions

  • In a large bowl, cream Earth Balance and sugars until light and fluffy. Add egg replacer. Combine flour and baking soda; gradually add to creamed mixture and mix well. Stir in potato chips and pecans.
  • Drop by tablespoonfuls 2 in. apart onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake at 375° for 10-12 minutes or until golden brown. Cool for 1 minute before removing to wire racks. Yield: 4 dozen.
You also have the option of rolling the dough into balls and then covering them with more crushed potato chips. I opted for that. You can also add chocolate or butterscotch chips. They might have been tastier that way.
I didn’t take any photos of mine because they were hideous. Especially after the first batch. I got distracted watching Despicable Me and drinking beer and burned several batches. Neither I or the boyfriend cared too much.
They should look something like this though:
Sorry, Martha but I give this cookie 3 out of 10 puppies:

Cupcake Overachiever

I tend to get obsessive about things. Exercise, health kicks in general, shoes, dogs, whiskey. I’ve never been one for moderation and I’m about as patient as Lindsay Lohan is when waiting for her dealer to show up. That is to say, not at all.

When I decided I was going to start learning to bake, I went barreling into it. Tossing flour around, dirtying every dish in my kitchen, puzzling over egg replacer and sometimes coming out with something edible.

Last week, I decided that I as going to make cupcakes. But not just one flavor. Three different flavors. In the interest of keeping posts brief and having more of them to write, I’ll only give you one recipe here.

I grew up gorging myself on these particular cupcakes at every available opportunity. I distinctly remember begging my mom to buy one for me every time we were in a ten block radius of the bakery that sold them. As a teenager I got a job at the bakery, possibly just to eat even more of the cupcakes, for free no less.

After jetting out of my hometown at 18, I forgot all about these fantastic nuggets of magic until a search for vegan cupcakes on the web turned up this recipe.

Vegan Chocolate Cream Cheese Cupcakes!

I got this recipe from Jeccabellezza’s blog which is full of tasty vegan food.

Cake ingredients:
3 c flour
2 c sugar
1/2 c cocoa
2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 tsp vanilla
2 c water
2/3 c cooking oil
2 T vinegar
 
Throw all the ingredients into a large bowl together and beat until mixed. Set aside.
 
Cream Cheese filling:
8 oz vegan cream cheese (Tofutti)
Ener-G egg replacer equal to 1 egg
1/3 c sugar
1/8 tsp salt

Then I did a lot of this:
 Beat until creamy. Stir in 6 oz of semi-sweet vegan chocolate chips. Place in the fridge to firm up if it seems a little soupy.
 
Line cupcake tins with baking cups and fill 1/2 way with the chocolate mixture. I find it easiest to pour the batter into a pyrex glass liquid measure and then use that to pour it into the cupcake papers. Add about a teaspoon of cream cheese filling to the center of each cupcake. If the filling seems to be getting soupy, put it back in the fridge between batches. You probably won’t have quite enough filling for all the cupcakes, so I would suggest either making more or adding semi-sweet chocolate chips to the remaining chocolate batter before pouring into the cupcake papers.
 
Bake at 350* for 20-25 minutes (until a toothpick inserted into the chocolate cake part comes out clean–the cream cheese center will likely not come out clean). Let cool for a minute or two before moving baked cupcakes to cooling racks. Cool completely, then store in an airtight container. ***These cupcakes are much better tasting after they’ve been in a container overnight and can become more moist than just after being baked when the tops are a bit hard. Do not skip this step!***
She’s right about that last step, they did get more moist and delicious the longer they sat.
 

The boyfriend informed me that it looked like someone had come on top of my cupcakes. Jizz cupcakes are not enticing so I will not be renaming these thusly. Yes, I just made an ejaculation joke on a vegan blog. That’s how it’s gonna be here, people. If you can’t handle the jizz, get out the kitchen!

These are so effin’ delicious!!!! Gah, I want them in my house at all times.

Maybe someday I’ll use my actual camera instead of my phone to take kitchen pictures. That would probably be the smart thing to do. I am many things but smart sometimes sure isn’t one of them.

Stay tuned for the other two cupcake recipes!