This year was my first all vegan Thanksgiving. I was so excited to find new recipes and to try all the dishes that everyone else was bringing.
I’ve found so many awesome vegan blogs over the past few months that my recipes bookmark folder is practically overflowing. Yet somehow I hadn’t even glanced at Pinterest. I’ve avoided that site because I don’t need one more site to get sucked into but it won me over with it’s fantastic groupings of fall vegan food. The pictures were all so well lit and fabulous that I wanted to eat my computer.
After drooling over butternut squash and sausage stuffed phyllo cups and pumpkin bread pudding with maple caramel sauce (oh sweet mother of god, WANT!), I decided on chocolate chip cookie cheesecake bars and good ol’ fashioned mac and cheese.
That sounds great, right?
Well, it wasn’t.
Perhaps I read the recipes wrong. Perhaps my taste buds aren’t vegan enough. Perhaps the cookie bars were supposed to look like someone had spermed inside of them. Yes, spermed. It’s a word now.
The cookie bar recipe I found here. I don’t blame that blog. They obviously worked for her. They did not work for me. They were supposed to look like this:
They did not look like that. Though it looked delicious when it came out of the oven. Once we cut into at the Thanksgiving feast though….yeeesh. The cream cheese/cheesecake filling had turned into a clearish liquid that looked like jizz. Straight up. That’s the truth. It looked like someone had cookie fucked my dessert. The boyfriend pointed out that this was an issue with the cream cheese chocolate cupcakes that I so adore. They do look jizzed in but they’re delicious. I could have forgiven the cookie bars for being sluts if they had been delicious sluts. But they were not. I was embarrassed that people ate it. It was a sugary mass of FAIL.
Moving on to the “blue box” style mac and cheese. I found the recipe for this here. Her pictures were gorgeous. I could almost taste the creamy goodness (ew, too soon after all the jizz talk, yes?).
I haven’t made mac and cheese without the help of Daiya yet. Knowing my Thanksgiving hosts were trying to stay away from fake cheese, I wanted to go the extra mile and make my own sauce from scratch. Well, tits. It did not work.
I was wary of a recipe calling for tahini, white beans, mustard and agave but since I know nothing about making fake cheese sauce, I went with it. If the intent was to make a sauce that smelled like peanut butter and tasted like foot stink, then I win the prize. There was nothing even remotely cheese like in the flavor and it looked nothing like the photos. It was sweet, an upsetting texture and even the boyfriend, who loves almost everything, made a horrible face after tasting it.
I’m not sure where I went wrong. Next time I’ll try a cashew cream recipe and see if I get better results. If anyone has a bomb mac and cheese recipe that doesn’t involve Daiya, I would love to have it.
I ended up making my old stand-by mac and cheese with a roux and some of the new Daiya wedges. The host said she liked it but to me it tasted off and plastic like.
All in all : FAIL.
Yes, I just made that joke. Deal with it.
This whole baking kick I’m on is rad. Except for the fact that even though I’m going to trapeze/aerial class twice a week (okay maybe sometimes just once a week) I’m getting chubbier. I made more cupcakes the other night because I just got Vegan Cupcakes Take Over The World. I had to try a recipe! Even if I just made cupcakes last week.
As if constant cupcake baking wasn’t enough to destroy my waistline, I’m really loving baking bread as well. I’ve made french bread a few times already so yesterday I decided to try making some challah.
I just really love saying challah.
I found this recipe on Vocal Vegan. There is a ton of challah recipes out there but this one was the most simple and I already had everything I needed to make it.
2 cups warm water
5 teaspoons yeast
1 tablespoon sugar
1/4 cup sugar
1 tablespoon salt
2 cups flour (white or wheat or a mix)
1/4 cup oil
1 egg (substitute)
3 to 5 cups flour (white or wheat or a mix)
Combine 2 cups of warm water with yeast and sugar (1 tablespoon). Let sit until the yeast foams or bubbles.
Mix the 1/4 cup sugar, salt and 2 cups of flour in a bowl. Add the yeast mixture once it has foamed. Add the oil and egg substitute, then 3 to 5 cups of flour until the dough has a nice consistency (not to sticky but not too dry).
Kneed for a few minutes and place in a bowl covered with a towel in a warm spot for one hour to rise. Punch the bread down and kneed a bit more. Split it into two pieces. Then split each of those into three long thin pieces that you can then braid together. After creating two braided loaves, place on a cookie sheet (oiled lightly or with parchment paper) to rise for another hour. Bake for 20 minutes at 375 degrees.
Most recipes I found called for either whole wheat flour or a mix of white and wheat. I only had white so I went with that. It worked out great.
Make sure to read ALL the directions first so you’re not confused about what amount of flour goes where and when it goes there.
Yeah…so…they’re really ugly looking loaves. Braiding bread dough is effin hard though! If anyone has any tips on how to make a pretty braided loaf, I’d love to hear it.
Not much prettier when baked but good lord, it’s tasty! We’ve eaten it smeared with Earth Balance and dipped in olive oil and salt. God, we’re so healthy.
I give this recipe 10 out of 10 puppies:
Speaking of puppies. I got to hang out with seven at once at my friend’s house the other day. Along with some chickens. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and fell deeply in love with this little guy.
Now go forth and bake some bread so that I’m not the only chubbster around here.
I tend to get obsessive about things. Exercise, health kicks in general, shoes, dogs, whiskey. I’ve never been one for moderation and I’m about as patient as Lindsay Lohan is when waiting for her dealer to show up. That is to say, not at all.
When I decided I was going to start learning to bake, I went barreling into it. Tossing flour around, dirtying every dish in my kitchen, puzzling over egg replacer and sometimes coming out with something edible.
Last week, I decided that I as going to make cupcakes. But not just one flavor. Three different flavors. In the interest of keeping posts brief and having more of them to write, I’ll only give you one recipe here.
I grew up gorging myself on these particular cupcakes at every available opportunity. I distinctly remember begging my mom to buy one for me every time we were in a ten block radius of the bakery that sold them. As a teenager I got a job at the bakery, possibly just to eat even more of the cupcakes, for free no less.
After jetting out of my hometown at 18, I forgot all about these fantastic nuggets of magic until a search for vegan cupcakes on the web turned up this recipe.
Vegan Chocolate Cream Cheese Cupcakes!
I got this recipe from Jeccabellezza’s blog which is full of tasty vegan food.
The boyfriend informed me that it looked like someone had come on top of my cupcakes. Jizz cupcakes are not enticing so I will not be renaming these thusly. Yes, I just made an ejaculation joke on a vegan blog. That’s how it’s gonna be here, people. If you can’t handle the jizz, get out the kitchen!
These are so effin’ delicious!!!! Gah, I want them in my house at all times.
Maybe someday I’ll use my actual camera instead of my phone to take kitchen pictures. That would probably be the smart thing to do. I am many things but smart sometimes sure isn’t one of them.
Stay tuned for the other two cupcake recipes!