Category: Irritating Vegans

Dirty Secret

Holy shit, kids. It’s been a while.

I got distracted starting my other blog, Tell Me So, Monroe. It focuses on self betterment, relationships and not letting people piss on the wall instead of in the toilet. Check it out.

There’s another deep, dark, terrible reason that I stopped posting here.

I’m not really being vegan right now.

Oh, the shaaaaaame.

As I mention in my bio here, I drunkenly agreed to veganism a few years ago when the boyfriend and I decided to shack up. Before meeting him, dating a vegan was so far out of the question that you would have been more likely to catch me on a date an unemployed chose your own adventure writer who was 5’3″. I openly despised veganism because every vegan I met was a raging douche. Ranting and raving, judging and snarking. No better than religious zealots or republicans barking about legitimate rape. Of course, I didn’t understand the concept fully at the time. I just knew that I was apparently an asshole for eating cheese.

Education is key when switching to a vegan diet. You can’t give up so much without knowing why you’re doing it. I never met a vegan who could explain why they lived that way without getting smug and superior. I HATE condescension. I will fold my wee little ears and start rapping Salt N’ Peppa in my head while you drone on and on.

The boyfriend is far from calm and is almost always a little superior when it comes to discussing veganism. He’s taken a tremendous amount of shit from people over the years and it’s left his fuse incredibly short. Luckily, we fell in love pretty damn hard and incredibly quick so I had very little time to think about what he was putting in his pie hole when we went to dinner.

Our household now and for as long as we’ve lived together is vegan. We cook only vegan. When my parents come to visit and my mom wants to make vegetarian dishes that include dairy, I don’t tell her no. She would cook nothing but pasta otherwise. I know that for some people that’s a big no-no and it probably pisses off the boyfriend. But it’s not something I want to make a big deal out of.

After two years of struggling with it. I decided to relax. For the sake of my relationship and my sanity. I’m dealing with so many issues in myself. My relationship with food and health is one of many things that I need to work on. When I look at the whole picture though, I get overwhelmed. I need to start with one thing  and work my way down the list.

It’s also a lifestyle change that I need to make for myself, not for the boyfriend. I don’t eat meat ever, yes that includes fish too, mom! But when dining out I’m eating some dairy.

This all goes back to how I wish the vegan community was more supportive of people making changes, however small they might be to start. Instead of shitting on people when they decide to do Meatless Mondays, why not support it and be thrilled that they’re trying. Maybe that will lead to Meatless Tuesday or Meatless Month! Quick trying to force people into making huge changes all at once. If someone is eating vegan 50% of the time or 25% of the time that’s better than nothing at all so quit being such a dick.

I believe in the cause. I believe it’s the right thing to do. I’m sure that the more I learn to cook and the more I learn about healthy eating, the more I will go back into full time veganism.

This blog was started to document my journey. It’s never been about being perfect. It’s about being honest.

Poor Chicken Slaves

Hot on the heels of me saying I can’t be bothered to blog, I’m blogging three times in one day. 

I need the chiming in of vegans and non-vegans alike. Seriously, some feedback/discussion would be greatly appreciated. 

One of my dear lady friends owns chickens. She owns them because it seems like everyone in Portland wants to own some chickens these days. God knows why. I grew up with chickens and they smell terrible and wouldn’t stop getting eaten by raccoons.

She also owns four dogs. The chickens, to her, are more like pets. Her boyfriend is in love with them. He built them a temperature adjustable coop and fenced off a large portion of the yard for them. Though a fair amount of the time they’re out running free with the dogs. One chicken (found wandering the streets of their neighborhood and unclaimed by anyone) is now convinced that she IS a dog, preferring the company of canines rather than the her own kind.

At several points my friend has offered me eggs because her family can’t eat all that the chickens produce. She doesn’t want to waste them by throwing them away. She knows that I attempt to maintain a vegan diet.

Her question to me was this: if the idea behind my personal veganism is that I don’t want to hurt animals then what’s the problem with eating eggs from chickens who are simply pets in a loving home?

I had no good answer.

(Keeping this strictly ethical. I know all about the health aspects and general grossness of eggs. I’m asking this in a strictly moral way because that’s why I want to be vegan. Healthy is great but I’m mostly in it so that I’m not hurting anything.)

I posed her question to several vegan friends. An answer given several times is that animals should not be pets. That just owning the chickens is going against vegan ideals.

You know where I’m going with this….

Where do you draw the line? Dogs and cats are acceptable pets but chickens are not? If my dog happened to shit vegan cupcakes every day that I happened to eat (ew, I know) then would my dog be a “slave”? Would it then be unethical for me to own my dog after saving him from a shelter and giving him a better life?

Another one: I know a girl who lives in Canada on a ton of acres with her family and a bunch of animals. Included are a small herd of goats. The goats are treasured family members, the kids adore them. They’re given names, documented in numerous photos and given a good life. Occasionally, when a goat becomes pregnant, this girl takes some of the mother’s milk and makes goat cheese.

(Pausing here to say I also grew up with goats and I adore them even though one of them used to kick the shit out of me on the daily. Their milk is disgusting though. I find goat cheese to be repulsive because it tastes exactly like goats smell. Perhaps I associate it’s flavor with getting my ass handed to me by a goat but either way, I never liked the stuff.)

My problem with milk and dairy products is the way that we get the milk. Keeping animals in a constant state of milk production is horrifying. Everything we do to cattle is horrifying.

So then, if she’s making cheese from goats who are naturally producing milk for a short period of time, goats who are well treated and loved, who prance about on acres and acres of gorgeous farm land, why am I supposed to be upset?

I’m not asking to be an asshole. I might be genuinely blind to a terrible truth. Please enlighten me.

Before I decided to give vegan life a go, I questioned the boyfriend about vegan ethics. I asked would it be okay to get cheese from small, local farms where the animals weren’t being mistreated. Due to his massive irritation at answering stupid questions like that for the last 7 years, his answer was not as detailed as I would have liked. Suffice to say, in his opinion, it was still wrong.

I understand that is naive to think that just because I buy local cheese at a farmer’s market from a kindly looking gentleman, does not mean that his animals are well treated. It’s like the Portlandia episode where they drive all the way to a farm to see where their chicken dinner has been raised to make sure he’s had a good life. I want to do that sometimes.

All this is not because I’m trying to justify eating dairy. It’s because I want answers that aren’t ridiculous.

Because of veganism I will never go horseback riding again because it’s apparently horse slavery (no matter if you love and cherish that horse and treat it like a queen), I feel guilty for wanting to have goats someday because god damn it I really like goats because then I’m keeping goats captive. If someday I get to run my sanctuary farm, will I be an asshole for loving and feeding cows and pigs and sheep? Should I rescue them and then send them off into the big world with a knapsack full of grass and a love note?

Okay, I’m getting ridiculous.

Sometimes I want to make my own rules. I want to decide what’s right and wrong morally for me as far as veganism goes. But there’s no wiggle room. There’s judgement and snark and elitism. If I were single and had no vegan friends I would feel free to adjust my life according to what I felt was important.

Like enjoy your chickens and love your goats. You’re not evil.

Now tell me why I’m a raging asshole.

 

Help A Bitch

I’m going to let you in a secret.

I’m a shitty vegan. 

I would say that 85% of the time I’m really good about it. Maybe even 90%. Then I go on vacation. Or I’m cranky. It’s not like I slip up and eat a steak topped with bacon. I haven’t had meat in a damn long time and don’t miss it at all. But yeah, on vacation I ate cheese and other random dairy items. I felt guilty about it. But I also really enjoyed what I was eating.

Normally when I get to this point in frustration with veganism (lack of convenience, lack of options while out to eat, questioning myself) I sit down and watch a documentary about food and how we treat animals and I feel reinvigorated and motivated to make it work.

Trouble is, I’ve always been an emotional eater. I’ve never eaten for health or to fuel my body. Even into my 30’s I’ve been lucky enough that no matter how much crap I shove into my gaping maw, I don’t get fat. Chub comes and goes but exercise brings it down. I realize though,  that eating for pleasure is not going to keep me alive and spring chickeny.

So making the transition to veganism plus trying to teach myself how to eat properly is enough to make me tear my hair out. My body feels terrible lately, even when eating strictly vegan, because I’m not eating the right things. I can read all the cookbooks in the world that tell me how to make squash and quinoa dinners but my heart and my stomach give the middle finger to such food.

That. Is. Terrible. And wrong, I know.

My body is addicted to bad food. Even if it’s vegan bad food (vegan frozen yogurt, mac and cheez and bbq pulled “pork”), it’s still horrible for me. I have no will power when it comes to food and a complete lack of knowledge on how to prepare anything other than enchiladas and cupcakes.

So what do I do to break this cycle, fellow vegans? How do I learn to eat for fuel and not simply for pleasure? Do you have tips or advice from when you transitioned?

I know I can still enjoy food. Healthy can be tasty. But I’m at a loss and my motivation is shrinking.

Help a bitch out.

I’m Cranky, God Dammit-Part 1

Okay. I’m feeling ranty. Yes, that’s totally a word.

As a friend pointed out  on the irritating vegans post, vegans get a whole lot more shit than they give. I’ve seen the boyfriend trying to remain calm as his dietary practices were mocked. I’ve also seen him not remain calm. As for me, I haven’t experienced anything terrible yet. But I’m new at this. My grandma repeatedly asks me what I can possibly be eating if it’s not meat and potatoes. But she’s 91, very forgetful and didn’t grow up with Tofutti cream cheese. She’s not being a twat, she’s just genuinely confused.

I’ve asked my friend to write a post about his experiences dealing with taking shit from non-vegans. I’d like to try to see both sides. Vegan or meat eater, you can be an asshole. One doesn’t make you a nicer person. Both sides are handling things in idiotic ways.

Here’s my problem though, generally a non-vegan who gives a vegan shit about their diet is doing it out of ignorance or some deep down feeling of guilt. (This is my theory anyway, mostly based on my feelings from when I ate meat.) Most people have no idea what kind of cruelty and needless violence their diet is party to. Is it completely dumb to NOT research where your food comes from and how it was treated? Yes, duh. But we were all that person at one point. Not many of us were born and raised vegan. Some of us started questioning things young but some didn’t start until later in life. Even at 60 it’s not too late to start researching and looking at the facts. The vast majority of people making bacon jokes to you don’t actually want to go field goal kick a piglet and then shoot it in the head.

Gah, too many arguments in my head.

Okay, but vegans who are outright angry and aggressive to meat eaters are coming from a place of anger. They’re sick of people questioning their morals. They’re sick of being made fun of for choices that they know are smart. I get that. But what are you helping when you use anger to get people to understand why what you’re doing is so important? Using anger in arguments with ignorant people is not helpful.

Just to remind you:

ig·no·rant/ˈignərənt/

Adjective:
  1. Lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated.
  2. Lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about something in particular: “ignorant of astronomy
Not stupid. Ignorant.

I thought about taking down the irritating vegan post because I feel like I’ll probably change my tune later on. But this blog is about the journey (oh god, I want to slap myself right now), so it would be dishonest to not write how I feel right now. And how I feel RIGHT NOW is that YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES. I don’t care what you eat, you’re assholes. Stop fighting. Stop being angry. *

*Don’t stop being angry about the practices in factory farms, don’t stop being angry about the shit going into our food. Just stop getting angry at the wrong people. Put your energy in more useful places.

 

10 Things That Make Vegans Annoying*

1. As I mentioned in my previous post STFU. Most people do not give a shit.

2. Vegan policing other people. “That Monster energy drink isn’t vegan, bro!”

3. Not allowing your friends to eat what they want at a bbq. This is highly contested but I’m sorry, if it’s on a separate grill, it’s not my job to tell you what to eat. If you feel the need to tell your friends what they should eat at bbqs, perhaps you should only have vegan friends and save yourself the trouble.

4. Forcing an entire group of non-vegans to go to a vegan restaurant for you and your needs. Unless it’s your birthday.

5. Trying to out vegan other vegans, another form of policing. “Smoking isn’t vegan, just so you know.” Eat. A. Dick. Oh wait…is that vegan?

6. Filling your FB page with upsetting images of animals being slaughtered. The only thing that does is make people block your feed. Ya can’t force the info on people.

7. Insisting that vegan cheese is good. It’s not. It’s just not. Melted Daiya is the closest we’ll ever get. Stop telling your cheese eating friends that soy cheese is yums. It’s a lie.

 

8. Have I mentioned that you should shut the fuck up?

9. Reciting grotesque facts about factory farms while your friend is eating a chicken sandwich. Dick move, yo.

10. Don’t be this girl:

Sure, she has some valid points. But she’s also a raging asshole. No one is going to be shamed into a  lifestyle like this. What a self righteous twat. I’m willing to bet that more than a few people went out and had steak after watching that video just to spite that broad.

Google “annoying vegan”. Vegans are perhaps one of the most easily mocked groups. You can mock them because it’s not racist or sexist. No one is going to think you’re an evil person for shitting on a foaming at the mouth plant eater.

Point being? You’re hurting the cause more than helping it when you preach on and on like a deranged minister. Shush your little mouth. Here, I have some bomb mac and “cheese” for you, shove that in there.

*I may or may not be guilty of several of these things. I’m working on it!!

STFU, You Hippie

The last time I visited my best friend of 12 years, we started off our night of drinking with a bottle of sake. A couple had left the bottle at a party a few weeks ago because they noticed it had honey in it and they’re new and enthusiastic vegans.

Inevitably a discussion ensued. My dear friend scoffed and posed a question that, at the time, I thought was incredibly valid.

“Why do you have to label yourself? Why can’t you just eat whatever food you eat and be quiet about it?”

Excellent point.

No one wants to hear a jesus freak blather on and on about their love for Christ. Just like a lot of people don’t give a shit if you’re gay but would love for you to shut up about the fact that you’re gay. Pray to whoever you like. Suck on the genitals of whatever sex floats your boat. But stop yapping about it. Or if you must yap, do it to other people who love the topic as much as you do.

My friend has known me as a cheeseburger craving meat eater, a half hearted vegetarian and now a best intentions vegan. As a woman who knows her way around a kitchen and puts down some tasty grub for guests, I’m frustrating for her.

At the time she posed that question, I fully agreed. STFU about your dietary choices. Just eat. But now, as I get more serious about it, I understand why vegans like to nerd out over food so much.

For one, food is much less simple now. If you want to dine out, you need to make sure there are menu items that you can/will eat. That cuts out a whole lot of options. When grocery shopping you’re forced to check ingredients and learn all the sneaky words for milk like casein.

You can’t just shove any old thing in your mouth anymore and that is complicated as fuck. For the average joe the only thought that needs to happen is “Is this tasty, do I want to eat it?” or “How healthy is this?”

Of course there are meat eaters who are trying to avoid processed foods, white sugar, corn syrup, yada yada. They feel my pain to some extent.

But it’s still frustrating for other people. I’m glad that I know what it’s like to be on both sides. I used to want to slap the shit out of people like me. Therefore, I’m trying to not label myself. I’m not shoving information down anyone’s throat. I’m just trying to be the best I can be.

Nerd.