Category: Food Review

Thanksgiving FAIL

This year was my first all vegan Thanksgiving. I was so excited to find new recipes and to try all the dishes that everyone else was bringing.

I’ve found so many awesome vegan blogs over the past few months that my recipes bookmark folder is practically overflowing. Yet somehow I hadn’t even glanced at Pinterest. I’ve avoided that site because I don’t need one more site to get sucked into but it won me over with it’s fantastic groupings of fall vegan food. The pictures were all so well lit and fabulous that I wanted to eat my computer.

After drooling over butternut squash and sausage stuffed phyllo cups and pumpkin bread pudding with maple caramel sauce (oh sweet mother of god, WANT!), I decided on chocolate chip cookie cheesecake bars and good ol’ fashioned mac and cheese.

That sounds great, right?

Well, it wasn’t.

Perhaps I read the recipes wrong. Perhaps my taste buds aren’t vegan enough. Perhaps the cookie bars were supposed to look like someone had spermed inside of them. Yes, spermed. It’s a word now.

The cookie bar recipe I found here. I don’t blame that blog. They obviously worked for her. They did not work for me. They were supposed to look like this:

They did not look like that. Though it looked delicious when it came out of the oven. Once we cut into at the Thanksgiving feast though….yeeesh. The cream cheese/cheesecake filling had turned into a clearish liquid that looked like jizz. Straight up. That’s the truth. It looked like someone had cookie fucked my dessert. The boyfriend pointed out that this was an issue with the cream cheese chocolate cupcakes that I so adore. They do look jizzed in but they’re delicious. I could have forgiven the cookie bars for being sluts if they had been delicious sluts. But they were not. I was embarrassed that people ate it. It was a sugary mass of FAIL.

Moving on to the “blue box” style mac and cheese. I found the recipe for this here. Her pictures were gorgeous. I could almost taste the creamy goodness (ew, too soon after all the jizz talk, yes?).

I haven’t made mac and cheese without the help of Daiya yet. Knowing my Thanksgiving hosts were trying to stay away from fake cheese, I wanted to go the extra mile and make my own sauce from scratch. Well, tits. It did not work.

I was wary of a recipe calling for tahini, white beans, mustard and agave but since I know nothing about making fake cheese sauce, I went with it. If the intent was to make a sauce that smelled like peanut butter and tasted like foot stink, then I win the prize. There was nothing even remotely cheese like in the flavor and it looked nothing like the photos. It was sweet, an upsetting texture and even the boyfriend, who loves almost everything, made a horrible face after tasting it.

I’m not sure where I went wrong. Next time I’ll try a cashew cream recipe and see if I get better results. If anyone has a bomb mac and cheese recipe that doesn’t involve Daiya, I would love to have it.

I ended up making my old stand-by mac and cheese with a roux and some of the new Daiya wedges. The host said she liked it but to me it tasted off and plastic like.

All in all : FAIL. 

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Review: Martha Stewart’s Sanity

I was at work the other day flipping through Martha Stewart’s Living magazine between clients when I found this bonkers recipe: Potato chip cookies. 

Okay so this might not have been Martha’s brainchild but you know she signed off on it because she didn’t get uber rich by sitting back and letting other people run her magazines. I bet she has a big stamp that says REJECTED on one side and APPROVED on the other. Then her minions bring her recipes and she scans them for ten seconds before forcefully stamping their fate on them. At least that’s what I’d like to imagine.

(Am I the only one that didn’t know Martha was freakin’ hot back in the day? Damn, girl!)

After trying to find the exact recipe on the web I have come to realize that this is something batty housewives have been doing for years. Who knew? Not me. My mother never put anything savory into a cookie. She liked her sweets sweet. Am I the only child who grew up without these things? The boyfriend had never heard of them either and he may have cringed when I announced I was making them last night.

I’m posting the recipe, veganized of course, in case you have the desire to spend an hour in your kitchen smashing the shit out of potato chips.

Potato Chip Cookies

Ingredients

  • 1 cup Earth Balance, softened
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 3/4 cup packed brown sugar
  • Egg replacer equal to 2 eggs
  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 2 cups crushed potato chips
  • 1 Cup of chopped pecans

Directions

  • In a large bowl, cream Earth Balance and sugars until light and fluffy. Add egg replacer. Combine flour and baking soda; gradually add to creamed mixture and mix well. Stir in potato chips and pecans.
  • Drop by tablespoonfuls 2 in. apart onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake at 375° for 10-12 minutes or until golden brown. Cool for 1 minute before removing to wire racks. Yield: 4 dozen.
You also have the option of rolling the dough into balls and then covering them with more crushed potato chips. I opted for that. You can also add chocolate or butterscotch chips. They might have been tastier that way.
I didn’t take any photos of mine because they were hideous. Especially after the first batch. I got distracted watching Despicable Me and drinking beer and burned several batches. Neither I or the boyfriend cared too much.
They should look something like this though:
Sorry, Martha but I give this cookie 3 out of 10 puppies:

Review: Homegrown Smoker Vegan BBQ Food Cart

Sweet tits, I can’t believe it’s taken me two months to get my ass to this cart and gorge myself.

I’d like to start this by mentioning that I’ve never been a health food person. Being vegan, for me, doesn’t mean I’m eating any better than I used to. It just means I’m not hurting anything by eating the junk food I eat now. In fact, I get all sorts of pissy when  I go to a vegan restaurant and find nothing but hummus, falafel, kale salads and chick pea burgers. Not that those things are bad. I just don’t want them in my mouth.

I’m at the point in veganism (and perhaps this never goes away) that I just want to eat everything that I got to eat before, minus the dairy. I still want mac and cheese and milk shakes and ranch dressing. I just have to either make it from scratch or find the few and far between junk food vegan places in PDX.

Homegrown Smoker is so very much my kind of place. Their website is lacking and their hours are wonky but the food makes it worth it ten times over. Plus they just opened a cart on the east side! Because I don’t know about the rest of you south easters but I never go to the west side unless I have to.

Today I got the Loafaroni. It’s a bbq meatloaf sandwich with mac and cheese. No, not mac and cheese on the side. Mac and cheese on top of the meatloaf IN the sandwich. I got baked beans as my side and while the flavor was great they were kinda crunchy. Not sure if that was a weird batch or if they’re always that way.

Guuuuh…so good. The boyfriend got the Macancheetoh. I could be spelling that wrong but who cares. The only thing you need to know is that it’s a burrito filled with sausage, mac and cheese and baked beans. WHAT? Yes.

I don’t think I could eat here much more than twice a month due to the serious gut bomb feeling after I ate. Not gut bomb like I was going to shit my pants or barf. Just in the way that it was a lot of rich flavors in a lot of food.

Delicious.

They have new specials all the time. Today’s was a pastrami sandwich topped with, what else, mac and cheese. Their website informs you of menu changes and their twitter feed keeps you up to date on their hours.

All in all, I’d say 9 out of 10 puppies:

Christmas puppies no less. In June. Sure.